:::: B L O O D L U S T - U K :::: Exploring the Vampire in Fiction and Mythology

m watching the women in the apartment block across the way go through their daily callisthenics when I see the new addition to the street furniture. The billboard across the street has got a new ad’. Pity, I kinda liked the underwear model. The new advert is nothing but a white background with twelve foot high letters saying “IMMORTALITY (UNLIMITED)” then a phone number. Fuckin’ schmos will say anything to sell shit.

I’m just getting back into the rhythm of the ladies aerobics when I hear Louie’s deep voice moan

“Client”.

I slip the binoculars into my top drawer and make like I been reading the newspaper, seems like there have been more cases of spontaneous human combustion on the city streets. Weird, that’s twelve in the last fortnight. ‘Course, my mind is more full of leotards at the moment.

Then she walks in and Mrs Dearns’ morning aerobics class is pretty much blown out my mind. This babe is hot! I smooth my hair down and light up one of my more expensive cigars. I can tell by the way she wrinkles her nose and coughs that she’s impressed.

Odd girl though, the heat is enough to stun an elephant and this girl is wrapped up like Scott of the Antarctic. I can barely make out the curves of her body. Which is a pity, cos they look pretty enticing.

She sits down and motions for me to close the blinds, when I’ve done she looks at me through her midnight black sunglasses.

“My psychiatrist told me I should visit you, Mr York.”

Aww great, a fruitcake. I really gotta get Louie trained up to spot ‘em better.

“I have been feeling some very strange things recently.”

She’s a lesbian.

“I have never felt this way before.”

Or maybe not. I have this affect on women. I make ‘em feel something special.

“My psychiatrist can’t understand it. I seem to be undergoing some,” she pauses “odd physical changes.”

Boy, I got this girl really hot. Maybe one of the guys is playing a joke, I wonder how much she cost him? Wonder if she’ll be worth it too. Fuckin’ hope so.

I reach over to take her hand but she pulls away. Fuck, maybe I got this girl wrong.

“Please don’t touch me Mr York. It seems to have a strange effect when people touch me.”

Hey, that’s the affect I’m after. I kinda get the idea she might not mean what I’d like though. What’s this broad on?

“You wanna tell me about these effects, errr… miss?”

She lights a very expensive looking cigarette and fits it into a gold tipped holder.

“Tewcross, Tanya Tewcross.” She says Tanya like it’s got an r in it. Always liked high class broads

“Well, I seem to have developed an aversion to sunlight. I also have strange, well, strange cravings.”

Kinky, well brought up, doesn’t know how to cope with it.

“And I have these.” She uses a gloved hand to move back her lip slightly, exposing a canine that would look more at home on a tiger.

“These cravings Miss Tewcross, They wouldn’t involve bloody steak would they.”

“Yes, and there have also been a number of.” She pauses. “Misunderstandings that have cost quite a lot to clear up.”

“You bit someone.”

She looks embarrassed. “Yes, yes, I bit someone. Quite a few someones actually.”

Great, chicks a full on vampire and doesn’t even know it.

“You want to tell me when this started?”

“After my operation at Immortality Unlimited. I’d like an answer to this quickly, I’m due to go to the Bahamas next week.”

I shake my head slowly and wonder how to break this to her.

“Miss Tewcross. I think you should cancel your holiday.”

So, after I’ve given my new client the full gen on what it means to be one of the walking dead I decide it’s time for me and Louie to go check out Immortality (Unlimited), see what we’re up against. Last thing I hear as I leave is Aloysus giving Miss Tewcross a lengthy sermon on the evils of Worcestershire sauce and anything else remotely related to anchovies. Y’know, that boy has some really odd notions.

Driving through the city in George the Warhorse with Louie is always an unnerving experience. You try sitting there with a six foot eight black guy with no ears who rarely ever talks. I drive, I keep glancing at Louie who’s staring intently at me.

“What?”

Louie just looks, stares at me with his big mournful zombie eyes. Really fuckin gets on my wick when he does this.

“What?” I say, a little more forcefully. Louie just stares.

“C’mon Louie, give me a clue. Can you hear me Louie?” I knock on his head with my knuckles, then have to swerve to avoid a garbage truck.

“Asshole!” I shout out the window.” Teach that guy not to watch for me driving in the wrong lane.

Louie just stares, then sighs.

“What? You gonna answer me or just stare? Can you here me Louie? You got maggots in your earholes again?”

Louie. Just stares.

“Motherfucker! Louie will you help me out here?”

“Shoebox.”

Aw, fuckin great, I forgot to get Louie the shoebox with his ears in it. Louie ain’t no help unless he knows where his ears are. One day I’m gonna work out the right animal to sacrifice to get them to stay on.

So, after going back for Louie’s shoebox we’re on our way again. Louie is still fuckin staring.

“What now? What, we forgot somethin’ else? Other bits of you been fallin off and your not tellin me?”

Louie stares, then in his sonorous deep voice he says “Hat.”

I am not going back to get Louie his beanie hat. You ever hear of a zombie that’s touchy about its appearance? I tell you, if there is a god and I ain’t sure there is. If there is though, he fuckin hates Dave York Esq.

“Here” I throw my porkpie hat at Louie. Louie puts it on but he don’t look happy about it. Dunno why he has this obsession with beanie hats, why not grow an afro or somethin’?

So we draw up to Immortality Unlimited, big swanky place, looks sorta like a hospital crossed with a five star hotel, they have a fuckin valet there to park my car.

“Don’t” I say to him pointing at the glowing red supercharger button. “Press that. It’s a self destruct mechanism.” He looks at me like I’m a madman. Fuckin world has no sense of humour.

It’s one of those big white buildings, looks just like all new buildings do, sorta posh cos it’s still not been grimed by the dirty city air but designed in the most unimaginative way possible. Above me are what must be private rooms, they all have sun terraces. Yeah, right, like the suckers are gonna need them.

We walk into the reception area, all leather chairs and artfully arranged plant-life, looks like a cow massacre in a jungle.

The staff are uniformly beautiful. I walk up to a desk crewed by the sort of blonde who should be gracing the bonnet of an expensive car in some exotic photo-shoot.

“Can I help you?” She eyes my rather crumpled suit and then looks at me. What? I crawled out of a sewer? “Sir” she says in a way that quite obviously means get the fuck outta her you mook.

“Yes ma’am. I been hearing things about this wonderful establishment and I’d like a look around.”

She looks at me, head slightly down and eyes peering over a pair of very expensive glasses.

“Do you have an appointment?” Seems she’s going to make this difficult.

“No.” I say, tapping my foot on the floor.

“Sorry sir, no appointment, no look around.” She closes a big leather bound book in a gesture of finality. How many cows had to die to furnish this place?

“Err Miss?” She turns back with a sigh.

“Yes.” In the bored tones of one who’s heard it all before.

“I’d really like a look around.” I put my platinum Amex on the desk. So my job pays well, got a problem?

“No appointment, no look around.”

I drop a grand in cash on the desk, I came prepared. “Really?” She looks undecided, a material girl, I know her type. I drop another grand on the desk. She leans over, I reckon I’m gonna get a marriage proposal.

“Put your money away, its very vulgar. Wait here, I’ll get someone.”

She walks round the desk past Louie where she wrinkles her nose up.    It’s a hot day, Louie’s been dead ten years, what, he’s gonna be a rose garden? It ain’t too bad. As she walks past she whispers to me.

“Mr York, I think your friend could do with a bath.” Then walks down the corridor.

Louie returns the compliment by watching her ass as she walks away.

“You smell fine to me partner.” I say to him, giving him a friendly punch on the arm. Louie just stares, great, he’ll sulk for the rest of the day now. I’m gonna have to spend a fortune on deodorant and goats to get him happy. You any idea how much a good goat costs for voodoo? It’s not like you can sell the meat afterwards either cos it’s usually spoilt.

They have sad eyes too. The Blonde brings back one of those men with ten thousand dollar smiles, you can tell this man has had a long, close and profitable relationship with his dentist. He holds out his hand.

“Hi Mr York! I’m Jonnie Gannini, I’m one of Immortality Unlimited’s client liaison officers.” I think by this he means salesman. Sure looks like a salesman to me. Right down to the impossibly shiny shoes and voice that oozes grease and false camaraderie. “If you’ll just follow me I’ll show you all of our wonderful amenities.”

Boy does he show us the amenities. We see everything. Where they do nosejobs and breast enlargements. Where they nip and tuck and remove fat from fortysomething ladies. A room where they make forty something men, into forty something ladies.     Shows me the swimming pool and the sauna, the massive gym and the recreation room, s’nice. I was right about the private rooms too. Every fuckin room is private, every room has en suite and a jacuzzi. Then my good friend Jonnie starts his real patter.

“Of course Mr York, a man such as yourself has no need for plastic surgery. You’re here for the immortality, are you not?” he says, like he found a cure for cancer or something.

“You could say that Jonnie.” I tell him.

No fuckin way am I bearing my neck though.

I don’t tell him that.

“Well, of course, I can’t show you the actual process as that’s still our patented secret.”

I know Jonnies secret.

I don’t tell him that either.

Might spook him, spoil his patter.

“But in this ward here are some of our patients recovering from their recent operations.” He allows me a brief glimpse into a long dark room with about twenty beds in it.

“Jonnie, what’s all them red lights in there?”

He looks at me. “Those are lights on the monitors Mr York.” Yeah, whatever you say Jonnie. “The period of recuperation after the operation is about three days.” Three days, fits. Typical vamp rising time. “For that three days you’ll be cared for by our highly trained doctors and nurses before your allowed to go home and carry on living your life. Forever!” I think that’s his line. I think I’m meant to bite now.

Or get bitten.

In the corridor just behind Jonnie is a large door with big fuckin metal shafts across it. Jonnie didn’t show me what’s in there.

“What’s in that room Jonnie?”

Jonnie looks a little bit sheepish. “Oh, that’s Mr Vlads office, he’s a very private person. We can’t go in there.”

Mr Vlad? Is this guy joking?

I point at the steel shafts. “You afraid he’ll escape?” Jonnie looks even more sheepish.

“As I said, he’s very private.” Jonnie produces a contract. “Would you like to sign now? I brought a pen.”

I look at him, hard. “Y’know, maybe I’ll come back later.”

Breaking into high security buildings is not a fuckin’ favoured task of mine. All that scaling walls shit ain’t good for a man of my build, I’m big boned y’know. Fortunately I got Aloysus, besides having a serious hard on for the lord and being a general pain in the ass, Aloysus is one hell of a climber. It’s that whole freaky vampire thing, climbs walls like an insect. Sets my teeth on edge but it’s fuckin useful.    However, getting Aloysus to wear a balaclava and cover up that nearly illuminous vamp face is another thing.

“Aloysus, just put the fuckin thing on. Louie’s wearing his Balaclava.”

“If my friend is misled into the ways of the heathen that is his concern. I shall not mock the Lord by covering my face.”

“How is it mocking the Lord?”

“Our faces should be uncovered to the stars. It is written.”

“Where?”

“In, in the bible.”

“Show me.”

He looks a bit puzzled. “As our endeavour is to save those weak lambs led astray then I shall wear this foul thing. But do not blame me should the wrath of the lord fall upon us like a great flaming moth.”

Great flaming moth?

“Whatever. Just put it on.”

So we set off.

The place is lit up like a fuckin torch. Great, just what every cat burglar wants. That’s without even taking into account the security guards. Getting into IU is gonna be endless fun. Fortunately, I have a plan. Thing about security guards is they don’t tend to be too bright. Give em something to chase and off they’ll all run like drunks chasing a stripper. As I said, Aloysus can fucking get into anywhere. I seen a window that looks like it’s been tailored specially for ol Dave here. I got Aloysus to go open the window and disable the alarms. Then he’s gonna go open another window and trip the alarms. When all hell breaks loose Louie is gonna trundle off in the direction of the woods with all the guards following meaning I can just walk in and have a good old look around.

In fact, I’m expecting the alarms to go off right about… now.

Boom, lights, sirens, claxons, the whole fucking works. There, right in the middle I can see Louie walking across the gardens like he don’t have a care in the world. It’d be better maybe if he looked less like he was out for a morning constitutional. Look fucking shifty Louie, c’mon. Then about thirty guards run out of the building. These boys don’t fuck about. No chasing, they just draw guns and let rip. Louie’s dead, ain’t gonna bother him none.

I didn’t reckon on them having dogs though.

They got about eight big dogs which they let loose and they go bounding after Louie. Louie quite wisely chooses this time to start running, dogs on his heels, security guards following close behind.

OK. Not quite how I imagined it would work out, but the ways free for me now. I just walk right over to the window and climb in.

It’s a bit of a tight fit, better cut down on the pizza.

Inside Immortality Unlimited it’s quiet. Too quiet. Dark too. All the corridors look the same so it’s a while until I find the right place. There’s that door. Don’t matter what Mr Gannini said, looks to me like it was built to keep something in. Still, doing a good job of fuckin keeping me out. I brought a screwdriver, it looks like a full on crowbar Job.

Now, when I was a cop I learnt that every door has a weakness most people overlook. Hinges. Don’t matter how strong your door is, if you unscrew the hinges the door comes off.

Voila, you’re in.

I start on the hinges, then I hear this a voice.

“Doing a spot of D.I.Y. Mr York?” awww, fuck. I got caught. “We picked you up coming in on the security cameras.” The man doing the talking is about six two, long grey hair, well built.    Practically screams vampire at you. I’d take him but he’s got about twenty mooks with guns hanging onto his coattails.

“You must be Mr Vlad. Y’ know, nice business you have here, if your gonna vamp people you should be giving them an instruction book or somethin’. Stops them turning into living torches on the street. If it gets out what you’re really doing here business is gonna suffer.” I shake my head sadly like I’m really feeling for the guy.

“Mr York, vampirism, like all surgical procedures carries some risks. Of which I’m sure your aware, but you have something quite wrong. I am not Mr Vlad.”

This ain’t right, he’s a vampire, if it’s not him who’s doing the biting? The guy in front of me looks pretty powerful. Must be a real bad monster he’s working for.

“Really Mr York. I’m a gentleman, I’m not going to just bite any Tom, Dick or Harriet who fancies living forever. Though.” He smiles.” “If you’re so eager to meet Mr Vlad I’d be more than happy to arrange it for you.”    He smiles again, in that “You ain’t gonna like this” way that most bad guys do. I bow to the inevitable and give one of the mooks my gun.

“Check him for weapons, I don’t believe that’s all he brought.”

Damn! That givin’ in easy thing never works. I get checked, lose the boot knife, the spare gun under my armpit, the one in my sock and the one strapped to my thigh. They also get both my wrist knives, the sawn off strapped to my lower back, the long dagger from my left calf and the shorter one from my right. They even take my bootlaces, what? Like I’m some sort of ninja cobbler or something?

Then they open Mr Vlads door.

“Have a pleasant visit Mr York.” Says my still unnamed adversary, with a happy little wave.

Motherfucker.

This does not look like any office I’ve ever been in before. Not unless cobwebs and chains are in for the upmarket office at the moment. It’s a vamp den, no mistaking it. And poor me is unarmed, sort of. See, they got everything, apart from a small wooden package strapped to the top of my right arm.

And Aloysus said that Van Helsing’s Collapsible Stake™ was a stupid invention.

I walk cautiously into the vamp den, Collapsible Stake™ extended. From the corner comes a sound, a furtive rustling movement of some kind. I get ready for some one on one vamp fighting action.

Out the corner of the room appears probably the most pathetic example of vampire kind I have ever seen in my life. It has a closely shaven head and is so thin it looks like it’s made of string. All it’s wearing is a pair of green y-fronts.

“You’re Mr Vlad?”

“I am Vladimir. Yes. Please if you stay still I am biting you now.”

“Sorry.” I say to this sorry looking creature.

“I am biting you. I sorry about this. But if I not bite you then I get beaten. You come to live forever yes?”

This is too weird I extend my stake.

“Take one step nearer and you get a wooden pacemaker.” The vampire starts to cry.

“I sorry.” It says through sniffles. “I have to, he make me. I come here to be a ballet dancer. But he make me into this. I am monster now.” With that he sits down and weeps. I feel sorry for him and sit down next to him.

“You want to talk to someone about this?” I can’t believe I’m counselling a weakling vampire.

“Oh Yes!” he weeps more then wraps his arms around me in a hug. “You are a nice man. I can always tell. Always mother say to me. Vladimir, you always pick the nicest men.”

I don’t think I’m comfortable with this.

“What happened?”

“Well, I am in bar in Siberia with my friend Stanley.” Stanley? They have people called Stanley in Siberia? “When this man comes over, he is very handsome. He says he is called John Smith.” John Smith, very glamorous. “he says he saw me dance at the theatre and he would like to talk to me. We talk, one thing she lead to another, well, you know. So he says at end that he will take me to west and make me big ballet star. I am good.” He says fluttering his eyelashes in a way that makes me want to move away from him.    “Watch, watch me pirouette” he pirouette’s.

“Very nice.” I say. I always thought a pirouette was a type of cake, but there you go.

“So I do, I come to your country and we go to his house. Very nice man, very amorous. Then he starts biting me. And I am saying, no! No! I am not liking this kinky stuff. Then he forced me!”

Vladimir breaks down again, still stood up.

I stand up and hug him. Feel kinda sorry for the poor little guy.

“I do not want to be Wampir!”

“Vampire”

“That is what I am saying, Wampir.    I wanted to be ballet dancer! I would have been good. All this time we are talking I am stood en pointe and I am not even tired. I want to die. I just want to die.” Sobs again. I look at the stake. I can’t do it.

"Mr John Smith, he tell me he is very old wampir. He feeds off the fear of the people who come in here and my pain. He will not let me die. I am very sad. Please you be doing this thing for me Mr, before they see us talking and come."

"What? See us talking?"

"They are having magic eyes all around the room. That John Smith he like to watch. He very bad man."

Security camera's. they gonna have realised things aren't going to plan and come down to find a more permanent solution. "We have to get out."

"We cannot. I have tried many things. Even did I try hanging myself, this did not work."

A vampire trying to hang itself. This boy really isn't clued up. Explains the shoelaces though.

"Just climb up there and rip the bars off the window. You're a fuckin Vampire!"

"I cannot!" he says, and starts weeping again.

"But I can" says another voice, and Aloysus appears out the shadows with a flourish.

"Aloysus! How long have you been here? Why are you here? You're meant to be helping Louie just in case."

"Master Louie can hold his own against the forces of darkness. You, without the Lord on your side, may need my assistance."

"Great, what did you bring."

"I" he drops into a low whisper "Have brought a cookie!"

"A cookie?" I say

"I thought you may be hungry.""A fuckin cookie!" I say with a little more emphasis.
Aloysus looks slightly less pleased with himself. "It has Jam in it. It's like a sandwich" His voice tails off towards the end of sandwich.

"Aloysus! How the fuck are we meant to get out of here now?"

"Hmph."

"Fuckin hell." I sit down. "What are we gonna do?"

"When they come I shall rip the door out and surprise them!"

"What?"

"When they come…"

"No, the rip the door out bit."

"Aha!" Aloysus looks very pleased with himself. "I shall rip the door out!"

I don't hit him, I'm good.

"Aloysus, why don't you rip the door out now? Before they come? Then we can run away?"

"It lacks finesse."

"Fuckin do it!" I scream

He does, it's very impressive. Then he spoils it by standing to one side, crossing his arms and putting on a sulky face.

"Aloysus, Vlad, lets get out of here. Aloysus, you didn't happen to bring a gun with that biscuit Did ya?" I gesture at him with the biscuit. He looks even sulkier.

No then.

"Fuck it, lets get Vlad out of here. Run boys!"

I eat the cookie.

We chose the right time to run. As we start to leave the end of the corridor a whole host of mooks come round the other end firing their guns. One of em wings Aloysus and Aloysus falls.

"Fuck A, get up, bullets don't harm you."

Aloysus looks up at me, something that might be fear in his eyes.

"Silver bullet."

"Shit." I pick up Aloysus. "C'mon buddy, Ain't leaving you hear for the heathens."

I got such an eye for a line.

Fuck, silver bullets, they peppered Louie too. Hope he's safe.

This is horrible, all the lights are on down the long white corridors and each corridor ends in a crossroads arrangement. Fuckin lost in minutes. No guns, and A is bleeding like a stuck pig. It leaves a vivid scarlet smear on the floor behind us. Makes tracking us easier.

At each fuckin crossroad at least two of the corridors are full of Smith's mooks.

Feels like we're being, I dunno, herded.

Eventually we get a rest. How big is this fuckin place?

"Sweet lord…" says Aloysus. "I can see you." He flutters weakly. "I am coming to your embrace sweet lord."

Aloysus eyes flutter and I look down on my friend.

"Oh my gods, this is being so sad!" says Vlad, a tear falling down his pale cheek.

"Vlad, shut up. Aloysus always talks like this." Aloysus opens one eye."I'm not dying?"

"Nah, they just winged your arm."

Suddenly a shadow looms over us, I hear the growling of dogs. I look up.

There stands Louie, with at least seven wolf, Alsatian cross dogs. Course, Louie's a were zombie, gonna have an affinity with wolves.

And I fuckin' worried.

"What time is it being?" says Vlad.

"Five fifty eight in the morning. What the fuck has that got to do with anything?"

"Well Mr Dave, when it being dawn at six o clock, vampires must be going to sleep no?"

Me, Aloysus and Louie just stare at him.

"I am thinking this is another of those things I am not knowing about."

"The dawn won't hurt you, it's the sun that will burn you."

"Aaah, that will explain why I only ever saw John Smith at night then." He says softly. Then "I still love him!" He exclaims before breaking down into tears. Louie hugs him. Louie's a lot better at this male bonding thing to me. Between sobs he manages to ask. "This is why they are herding us to the sun room then yes?"

That makes no sense. The sun wouldn't touch me, Louie or Aloysus.

"What else is in the sun room Vlad?"
"only the after care patients." He sniffles.

"The ones you bit? Jees! They'll all be in thrall to you. We got a ward full of weapons waiting for us!"

We start to run, followed by Louie and his dogs, Things ain't feeling too bad now.
Gradually we get herded, every so often we'll go through a corridor already painted with Aloysus' blood. Twice I try to get Louie to turn his pet dogs on the guards but Louie just looks at me, cocks his head to one side and whines. Then all eight dogs do exactly the same.
Hey, I'm not made of fuckin stone.

Then, in front of us are doors.

"The sun room" says Vlad.
He opens the doors and starts to go in. I grab him.

"You can't go in there. It's ten past six, dawn, remember? You'll burn."

"Oh, silly." He says with a coquettish giggle and lightly slaps me. "There is sun canopy. We are quite safe being."
We go in followed by the dogs. He's right, some sort of big silk cover stops the sunlight getting in.
There are twenty beds, each one holds a sleeping figure wired up to an I.V.

"Make em get up Vlad."

"What?"

"Like we said? Back there, you know? The reason we let ourselves get herded here. The reason we didn't think up some great fuckin plan not to be led here?"

He looks upset. "I was crying!"

" You can make them get up?" I say that in a rather worried tone.

"No, my piercing gives all my power to John smith."

"What piercing?" I say in my state of stupid naiveté.

"This one" he says casually dropping his Y-fronts.
OK, I didn't need to know.

"Err," I say, shielding my face with a hand. "Couldn't you have fuckin' taken it out?"

"There was never really the, erm, opportunity." Then he says rather mournfully. "And it was a love token." As he quietly starts to weep. Louie goes over. He's such a guy.

"So they ain't getting up."

"No" Weeps Vlad. "I can not."

"But I can." A rather deep mellifluous voice warms the room, almost physically.

John Smith. Aloysus could take him. I don't fancy one on one. I look at Aloysus who has artfully chosen this moment to pass out from loss of blood, wine. Whateverthefuckitis that runs in his consecrated veins.

I turn round to John Smith, Louie backs round behind me and to the side. I can hear the warp and weft of fur and creaking of bones as Mr Wolfie comes out to play. Mr Wolfie with no ears though. You should see him, it's a killer, really is. Sorry, not the place.

"Oh Mr York. I'm not going to do something as common and low as kill you." He says watching us prepare to fight.

"Your not?" I ask.
Hey, I can always hope.

"Oh no." His eyes sparkle evilly and he grins. "They are!" He says, cos he has some fuckin contract to get drama out of this or somethin'. "Rise my beauties, Rise for your father." Starts spreading his arms like he escaped from some musical.

Fucker.

They rise, twenty sets of glowing eyes open. Twenty hands rip out I.V. units from their biceps.I don't fancy mine and Louie's chances unarmed against twenty just born vamps. Those fuckers get hungry.

"Vlad, get behind us."He does, then shouts out through gasps of tears. "John Smith I love you."
From the back of the room I can hear John laughing. Loud and deep.

"Oh my little Vlad. You did not love me enough to bite this man did you? I am sorry Vlad, I will have to find another pet. I will watch though Vlad, take some consolation from the fact your fear and pain will be succulent." Then he starts laughing again.

Like they do.

You've seen the films.

From behind, in amongst the most hackneyed laughter I ever heard from a bad guy, Vlad is screaming"No!" over and over again in his pain.

I want to help. I'm too fuckin busy thinking about me and Louie getting ripped into little pieces though.

His timing sucks.

Then he looks up.

His eyes are burning that fuckin vamp red they get when they're really pissed. Aloysus growls in his sleep. Vlads teeth have grown in a fucking alarming way, his nails have sharpened into claws.

"I want. To. See. My Daddy." He says, he looks mean as fuck. He sounds like a camp waiter. You can't have it all.

Vlad stands, Louie an' me move in front of him.
"I am being sorry Dave." He growls. "But I am being going over you anyway."
What the fuck does that mean?
Vlad leaps. He leaps straight fucking up and hangs there, claws dug into silk for just a second. Then he starts to slide down, down the silk leavin' great gaping rents in the fabric.

And we're flooded, flooded with glorious daylight.
Vlad lands in the middle of the burning vampire younglings and stands there. Completely fuckin still while his body starts to burn.

"I loved you." He says as he burns, and this time his voice has the deep growl of a really mean undead guy. Then, once John Smith can see just how well lit Vlad is. Vlad springs forward fast enough to make you think time just speeded up. He clamps himself around John Smith and presses his lips onto his mouth. After that they got lost on the flames, the smoke started to choke tears out of me.

It was the smoke, ok?

Me and Louie picked up Aloysus and ran. Ran through the grounds to the chorus of fire engines and police cars, followed by eight nearly wolves.

I never heard from Tanya Tewcross again apart from a five figure check. I did some checking on her. Turns out Tewcross isn't her real name. It was Nicofski. An émigré from Siberia. A coincidence? Maybe, who fuckin knows. Stranger things than that in the world.

We let the dogs out into the wild. Louie cried. It was beautiful. In that sort of lassie way.

I didn't cry.
Louie, quit starin' at me like that.

The blonde who ran reception went on to star in a number of erm, "instructional" adult movies. She had a strange idea of vulgar.

Jonnie Ganninni tried to sell me a hoover on my doorstep the other day. I fuckin bought it too. Louie likes to hoover.

Aloysus made a full recovery and lives on to fuck my mind over at least twice a day.

One other thing. When they dragged IU's grounds after the fire they found two bodies fused together in an eternal kiss. They melted into ash before they could be moved but they had a good picture in the paper. I'm pretty sure it was Vlad, dying fused forever to the one he loved despite what the fucker did. With him for eternity. He looked like he was in ecstasy.John Smith?

Oh, he looked fuckin horrified.