'Tick Tock'
by
Thomas Lee Joseph Smith

T

ick Tock runs past and uses his claws. He runs past... lifts his claws... drags them across my skin... and then skids past on the linoleum, and turns the corner and runs away. This time the stupid cat leaves four long slashes on my right leg. Blood is pouring out. I'm in the kitchen now and I'm looking in the spice rack... looking for a particular label. "I'm gonna get you cat!" I scream. Mary Ann comes around the corner, and now she's standing in the doorway. She's holding my gun.

"That won't stop him." I tell my wife.

"I know." she answers. "This isn't for Tickers... it's to make you quit trying to hurt my cat."

I'm covered in gashes from head to toe... my pants just shredded. I've thrown ten things, and haven't hit the cat once; maybe because of the blood flowing into my eyes... maybe because the cat is something supernatural. "Mary, be reasonable." My hands start shaking. I'm still paging thru her spice rack, but my hands are shaking as I do it. I look closely at her nightgown. There is black cat hair on her nightgown. Little patches of cat hair. Great. Now they're not just good friends... they're lovers. I look closely at her neck. What I see there... scares me. I have more trouble on my hands than I first thought.

We've only had this cat a few days and already he owns: my wife, my house, and with a few more passes of those claws, the dam cat will own me. Good, I've found what I'm looking for. But the tiny bottle is almost empty. I open the top and start sprinkling the contents on my clothes.

I don't know why we didn't anticipate this... what with strange diseases crossing from one animal to the next.... People getting swine flu from pigs who caught it from Asian birds.... People getting monkey pox from prairie dogs. How many diseases have crossed from one animal to the next..? And with blood being involved here... what special mischief couldn't be visited on the companions of men... if the worst plagues of mankind were being spread?

It was after dark on a Thursday, when Mary Ann found the black cat on the front lawn. The cat is jet black with just a little white on it's belly, a little white on it's front paws... so I'm surprised she even found him. She said it was light shining off the cat's eye that led her to his hiding place. The cat looks a mess. He looks like he's been run over by some specialized and sinister cat-hating farm equipment. One of his eyes is gone. It isn't bleeding. It isn't a recent injury. It just looks hideous. There's just a bunch of tiny red veins on a white patch of skin, right where the eye should be. So the cat has only one good eye. It's a golden yellow color. A cat's eye... with an almond shaped black center... with gold lame' colored border all around it. I was sitting on the couch as she came in, carrying the cat.

"Not another one." I said.

"Just till it gets well."

"That's what you told me when we brought in that stupid Siamese. She's been here nine years."

She put the cat next to me and went to get a bowl of water. I looked it over, looking for signs of distemper, or mange, or fleas. "He's MALE." I called out.

"I know." she answers from the kitchen, but I knew she hadn't known... knew she hadn't checked.

"You said no more male cats. Not after that thing with Owens."

"If we keep him, we'll get his thing neutered."

I cringed at the word neutered and then I mutter, "Yeah, there goes fifty bucks."

"You've been known to rescue." she says.

"Never cats. And I don't keep what I find. If I can't find the owner, I take them right to the pound."

She tried to feed him some of the canned food. Food she kept for special, cat-centered, mirth-filled cats-dancing festive occasions. Her new friend barely ate anything. All the other cats kept drifting past... looking warily at the new addition. The other cats weren't ready to make new friends. They were quite content to hide behind the furniture, and, with just an ear and an eye peeking out from their hiding places, look out at the rough refugee.

"I'm going to call him Tick Tock." she said.

I was beginning to think she kept names ready, just for moments like this.

Tick Tock soon had the run of the place. Some of the other cats were bigger... and all of the other cats seemed healthier... but Tick Tock soon had them cowering. Tickers would walk straight thru a room without caring where they were... but the others always cared where he was. Right away, Tickers made the den his home. The den had no windows. He was in there constantly during the day... at night he would wander the house; looking in the bathroom, climbing up on the refrigerator, trying to open cabinets in the kitchen. I was up reading a book... Mary Ann was fast asleep... and the stupid cat came in and climbed up on Mary Ann's bed. We have twin beds... in the same room... but twin beds never-the-less. The cat looked at her like she was something in a food bowl; turning his head left and right and looking at her. It opened it's pink mouth and licked it's teeth.

"She's married." I reminded him... and he just gazed at me. He lay down on the bed and then started licking his butt. I reached down and picked up a shoe... but wouldn't have been able to hit him without waking her. I put the shoe down. "One of these days we're going to have a long talk." I told him. Then I fell asleep. I dreamt about Christopher Lee movies and the play-list didn't include, Lord of The Rings.

Counting Tick Tock, there were now five cats in the house. At first they all avoided him; leaving any room he entered. But he was slowly asserting his dominance. We'd hear little cries for help; and when we got to the room, Tick Tock would be standing there with his paws on Cynthia, or Hermione; holding them down easily. When we pried our cats away from, the one-eyed, bent-tailed, Russell Crowe cat from the street... we'd find little red nips on our cats. Little red nips he'd taken out of the female cats. Little bites dripping blood.

Tickers got stronger and even more assertive. It was like he was running a harem. All he had to do, was make this low growling noise; and the other cats... all of the other cats... would gather around and lay on their bellies until Tickers chose. He'd rub up against his selected treat... and then the two would rush off to the back of a closet... or behind the couch.

"Can'ch you'se be a little less obvious..?" I asked, one night as Mary Ann and I were trying to watch, 'The Sound of Music' on our new DVD player. Tickers and our white Persian were behind the couch. Tickers was being rough. I don't know if it was rough sex or rough play... or what... but the Persian was squealing and giving out little cries. I took a cup of ice-water from my TV tray and dumped the contents back over my shoulder... back behind the furniture. He came out like Mike Tyson after a traffic accident. He glared at me... his wet tail dancing like an electric current. He took a swipe at me with his claws but I pulled up my leg. Then he got up on his back legs and tried to push my dinner tray over. I kicked him. Couldn't get much swing into it... as I was seated. But I kicked him.

Mary Ann was on her feet in one motion. She threw her glass of water at me. Not bothering to retain the glass. "You mean fat bastard." she said.

"I'm trying to watch the wedding. They're making all this stupid noise." I said.

"You don't give a crap about no wedding."

She was right. I bought the DVD to watch The Matrix, and war movies. But I wasn't going to tell her that.

She stomped out of the room. "Come on." she said to the cats. They didn't exactly follow her out of the room. They just changed where they were sitting... some moving into positions the other cats were leaving... so there was a lot of motion but very little 'walking out'.

I finished watching the movie. A little bit... to prove to her I was interested in the movie... mainly because it had Nazi soldiers. But I have to tell you this... there aren't no tanks or aircraft in the movie. When it was over, I turned off the movie and slipped my shoes on. I took down the piece of rope I keep by the door, and then went for my walk. When I came back I entered thru the garage. I closed the garage door and put down an old piece of rug and some food and water. Then I went in and hung the rope on the hook inside the back door where Mary Ann would see it. She was supposed to look at the hook before opening the door out to the garage.

I got a sheet and went to bed on the couch. It was hours later; still dark, when I heard the noise. It sounded like moaning. Sexual moaning. Not something I hear a lot. I walked slowly back to her room. I opened the door.

The cat was up by her neck. It looked to me like the cat was licking her neck. She looked like it was something she could get used to. She was moving her legs; and her eyes were half-open and fluttering. I made a note to try some of that myself someday... and then I picked up a scented candle and was going to brain Tickers with it... but a couple things happened. The cat moved his head and I saw Mary Ann was bleeding. I caught sight of the mirror on the dresser and I guess you know what I saw... or didn't see. Then the dumb cat launched itself at me. For the first few seconds it felt like I was being attacked by Yoda from that Star Wars movie. Within a minute, I had a dozen scratches on my face, and two dozen on each of my arms. I was backing out of the room with my arms crossed in front of me. Then the other cats ran in. I thought they were just being curious... but they chose sides, and they weren't with me. More scratches followed.

I backed into the hall. I kept backing up and found myself in the kitchen. That's when I started looking for garlic. I put garlic on my clothes. I picked up a big frying pan. I was hoping to play cricket with Tick Tock's head.

They came around the corner. Mary Ann was holding the black cat. The cat was wearing a little cape. The cape was black on the outside and red on the inside. I guess she made it for him. I didn't know she could sew. We've been married a long time and she never sewed anything for me! Tick Tock opened his mouth. His incisors were different... changed. Big front teeth like a sabre tooth tiger. He looked just like a sabre tooth tiger... except for his color and the cape. Mary Ann placed the cat on the floor. The other cats were coming. Their tails held high. They were ready for battle. Mary Ann's arms were empty now... and so I noticed the gun. I keep a 38 in the nightstand. She was holding it. She always told me she hated guns. But she held this one... level... and steady... and it was pointed at me.

"You better start respecting my cats." she said.

She was wearing a thin white night-gown. I could see thru her night-gown. Her long hair was loose and flowing around her... one her shoulders and laying on her breasts. Just a moment ago, I'd seen her rubbing her legs together. Just a moment earlier, she'd had a very nice encounter with a feline Valentino. Now she had red blood on her neck, and for once, some healthy color in her usually blank face. And she had a big powerful gun in her hand. God, how I wanted her. My wiener started twitching.

Wiener... wiener... Yes..! I stepped back. I reached back behind me. I opened the door that attached the garage to the house. A little dog came walking in. Six pounds of energetic dog. A little wiener dog. The name on his tag said John Bernardy and there was a phone number. I hadn't had time to call the owner yet. I rescue stray dogs... mainly because she rescues stray cats. It's a way to get even. It's how I tell her I'm a 'dog person' while she loves her 'dumb cats'. The little dog enters cautiously and stands at my side. So here we are. In the kitchen and under the florescent light. On my team... there's a very small dog that pees when it gets excited... I'm covered in protective sprinkling of California style garlic bread seasoning, and I'm also holding a big frying pan. On their side: the powers of darkness, a big loaded revolver... and dozens of curved claws.

"Look here dog..." I said to the dog. "...I don't think we're gonna win. In no way can I picture us winning. But, if we do win... you're gonna get Persian perversion... and I'm gonna bed my wife."

And so we started forward.
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(c) Thomas Lee Joseph Smith, All Rights Reserved
 
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